Stardust breath

So, today is the day and I am excited. I'm not going to elaborate on what that is until after the fact because I don't like to jinx myself.
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Photography:

So, I am teaching myself how to use my D3100 Nikon camera, today I worked with the aperture function. I used Busterboo my yorkie, as my test subject. I noticed that when I had him against a light background (sliding glass door with offwhite linen drape & sun shining through) I needed to use higher aperture numbers to get a more beautiful shot.

When I had him in a dark setting (living room with no lights on and little light escaping from kitchen) I had to use lower aperture numbers to activate the flash and brighten the contrast of the photo. However, I noticed that this function is much harder because if the subject moves, you're kind of screwed.

Still playing around and will post more soon! :)

Time to go get ready to rumble. :D


I wish I may
I wish I might
Have this wish
I wish tonight.

From chaos to starlight

When I was 20 years old and 288 pounds I was diagnosed with a rare form of Syndrome X and Insulin Resistance which caused a spiral of problems including cervical cancer, which was removed and some lingering mental problems, due to lack of hormones to the brain which is caused by the syndrome and the prematurity of some areas in the brain. The doctor explained it to me and told me that my pituitary gland was non-responsive in providing the body the correct signals to send out the hormones such as estrogen; which regulates the female system, serotonin; which regulates the mental system, etc.
The doctor ran a 5 hour glucose test with interval injections of hormones and an MRI brain scan. When the results came back the lab told the Endocrinologist that he must have left the blood out too long because the results can't be correct. The normal human body's pancreas excretes about 150 mg of insulin to help break down food into energy; this insulin goes directly into the stomach. According to the blood results, my pancreas was excreting 30,000 mg of insulin, basically my pancreas was opening up like a floodgate and spilling insulin into my stomach whenever I ate sugar, bread, carbohydrates or anything that wasn't a protein. The doctor knew he didn't leave my blood out, and I knew that there was some truth in the tests because of how little I ate and how large I was and how sick I was all the time.

The doctor sent me to a dietician who told me that for the rest of my life I needed to eat protein and vegetables with fruit and breads used as a condiment. I didn't listen to the doctor until I was 25 years old which was when I started to throw up after every meal because my body started to reject the food I was eating.

As of currently I am very healthy and happy, over the last 10 years I have lost over 100 pounds and as of currently for the last week I have stayed on my protein diet and I feel pretty good about it. I have the support of my wonderful boyfriend who helps me to be a better person. He pushes me to do the right thing, and I love that about him.

I rarely told anyone the extent of my pain and haven't shared it with anyone really until now. I am documenting this so that it is a reminder for me to stay correct in my plan for myself and I will continue to document the starlight in my life because my eyes are finally opened and I am no longer selfishly injuring myself for the sake of the smell or taste of something. I have put my burdens in the hands of something much larger than me.

This is very personal, and I'm surprised I'm blogging it, but that is how you step out of your own silent box.

In the Wake of Recovery

Sometimes we find ourselves at a crossroads in life and we wonder what we can do to make the outcome a possibility or a sure thing. I have come to learn that you can only trust in one thing to help you through any turmoil or raw process and that is pure love. I know that my path in life is where it needs to be for right now and that I am in a transition to something magnificent, something beyond my dreams. I am saddened by those that choose to take their situations and look at them through rose colored glasses only to become jaded, distant, angry and bitter at themselves and those around them. This causes discontent and a disconnection from life. What are we for? Other than to be the best people that we can be. To make a difference. To not sit around and wait for things to happen to you, but to make them happen and to impact the world around you.

I can say that I have no regrets and that my future is brilliant no matter what comes my way. And I have faith and understanding in the process of my plan and that in itself is beautiful.

I pray that others find that in themselves so that they can experience what it is like to live within the center of peace.

Subliminal

I see you out of the corner of my eye, on papers and billboards, across t.v. screens and cell phones. I hear you through the mouthes of friends, peers, strangers. Yet I still wonder how you permeate the forefront of my mind. How do you get in there and wiggle your webs of indecency and scandal? You have caused much destruction and for that you must be cast into an titanium cup, sealed with golden dust and wrapped in iron silks. I will take you below the depths of the earth and set you in your dirt filled seat so that you may have the company of earthworms and crawling things. People take for granted and do things they shouldn't because of the deception that has been placed just out of sight, hearing and feeling. Just out of reach, but right there.

Subliminal messages fighting for their right host, planting their special seeds and screaming infidelities.

That's all for now, just creatively typing away. teehee

Parting Ways

So, about a month ago one of my best friends got mad at me for forgetting a date to something she was planning, I said something I shouldn't have which went kind of like, "text me when you're sober" and she flew off the handle (rightly so, however I was partially joking), deleted me from facebook and every site we were on together, called me a few choice names, etc. I apologized over and over in emails and poured my heart out to her because I truthfully was and still am sorry. I guess I'm leaving out the part where I returned the favor in email after she deleted me, and said very many mean things, things that might be unforgivable to some, but it is my defense mechanism when I feel like I am about to get hurt. I wasn't that far from the truth because she went and shared everything with people that I knew and these people deleted me, too. Took what she said for face value which was edited to the dramatic version she wanted to portray. I am a good friend, a great friend and I bend over backwards for everyone I know. I try so hard to stay positive and loving and the one mistake I make I am put in front of a jury for and they have already hung me without even hearing what I have to say. I am sorry for the words that came out of anger and it's too bad that she can't forgive me, because without forgiveness you are toxic and I guess I'm better off.

Judgement Day

So, I know that curiosity killed the cat, but why do people place judgement on others. Is it fear of the unknown? Is it because some people haven't experienced what another has, so they decide to place it in the X-Files of their mind only to hash it out later with uncertainties? It's not fair, and yes, I know, life isn't fair. In my opinion we are here to love, not just the word that carries across 4 letters and fills a space just to the left of the sternum inside of the chest. It is a brilliant emotion that is larger than life itself, a place of bliss where nothing can touch it, not even judgement. Inside this emotion negativity cannot exist, materialism cannot exist, anger cannot thrive, pity cannot swell. The only thing that co-exists within this emotion is the energy force. Also in my opinion, judgement is caused by another emotion that rivals love, and that is Fear. We fear day in and day out and in order to rid ourselves of the gnawing within our mind, we toss it like a ball over to someone else. I've seen it happen and it is disheartening.

What would life be like if we all inhabited real love? Bliss? Peace? Forgiveness? Can you imagine yourself forgiving someone right now? What does it feel like? Can you get past yourself for a moment so that you can put someone else above you, so that you can let them free from your mind and forgive them for the transgressions that they put on you? Can you take a step back and be present in this moment and notice the beauty that surrounds you. Look at the back of your hand, you are unique and magnificent and truly beautiful. There is only 1 of each of us, all different, all beautiful and all capable of love and loving.

I have spent my entire life focused on what love is, staring at the night sky for nights on end, talking to God, talking to myself, watching others and having my own experiences and I know for a fact that in order to free yourself of the web you have weaved, you need to change the thread, change the soundtrack in your mind, change the path you walk each day, it all starts with you. It all starts with loving you. That is when you can forgive others and feel bliss.

I promise tho, it is the most powerful and beautiful thing that I have ever experienced and it started with a mirror and 3 words, "I Love You." The rest is history.

My journey isn't complete, I still have hurdles and land mines that sit out in my fields, it is how I choose to encounter them that will provide my feet a place to walk. I expect nothing and give everything and love everyone and try my best to make the world a better place.

Judgement doesn't belong in my life, or yours. So my goal is to better others in any small way I can, to share the gift that I was given in hopes that it might be opened and passed on.

That's all for today. :)

Specialty Engraving

So, the time has come where my comfy place where I called home while away from home has ended and the owner has pulled the plug on our office. Towards the end it got sour for me and a lot less comfy, but I'll get to that later. I started at Specialty Engraving about a year and a half ago. When I started there, I had the feeling of relief, as if something had saved my life. I know that sounds a bit extreem, but I truly felt that way. I learned many things during my time there; how to become more personable, less frazzled, more open and more myself. I turned from being a scared of strangers person to someone who loved and loves human interaction. It's funny what you can learn from an experience, an instance.. a moment in time. As time went by I struggled with things and at the end found myself wanting something more. I was fulfilled, but left empty when it was all pulled away. I saw into the hungry souls of endless money and how it effected them and I truly didn't want to be that person. I am not expendable and for the first time I found out that someone else thought I was. I was angry and disturbed and the mind games at the end were humorous, but the most beautiful thing happened to me. That door closed and another one opened in its place; one that is better, filled with what I desire in life, closer to my common goals and what I really want. I'm thankful for the end as it brought me to the beginning.

That's all for now.

bostonmarket

gluten free meal today :)

bostonmarket

lunch today

Today

Today I feel blessed for the pathes that I have taken. I have learned many things, experienced many things, and seen many things. The one thing I am most thankful for is my life. Sometimes I take myself for granted and don't place as much importance on where I want to be, where I want to go, what I want to accomplish. I see people around me taking large strides to impact the world in a positive way. Putting themselves out there to make a difference. I still haven't figured out what I am going to do, but I am working on it. For right now I am in the process of accomplishing my goal of photography; to actually learn how to use it in a way that can impact others in a positive way is my goal. To do something worth while that creates love and smiles and everlasting happiness. That is what I wish for the world, somehow I will get to that point. Some day.

:)

Find Me at the Top

Photography

I'm moved by images.
I love them on paper
through glasses
windows
on sidewalks
walls
in frames
driveways
sides of mountains
memories.
I'm moved by images.

As the Years Go

I look back at my life and I have no regrets.
I have many wishes; the important ones have been answered.
Today was a good day, full of love and laughter.
The things I attempted to forget, came back to say hello.
I wonder if they have any regrets.
I guess it doesn't matter.
My life is beautiful, but sometimes I wonder how many more years I'll feel anxious.
I could take a guess and say a few, but maybe it won't take that long.
life is like a little box, you find the key and open the lid and everything inside is endless.
Memories fade while new ones are created; life doesn't stop.
It keeps going at a steady pace -- we stop.. most times.
I'm 32 years old, lost in translation.
Ready to stop the cycle
ready not to forget.

coffee with my love!!

Starbucks with my love

attempting image upload with pixelpipe.

Starbucks with my love. my one and only!

deviantART

I created a deviant profile, pinkmascarade.deviantART.com I think..well that's my username anyway and I will be updating my photos there. As for my deal with myself...I think ill take a day off.

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moving mountains, instead of pebbles

I was shy, unconfident and afraid of the world based on people I looked up to instilling fear at an early age. I am responsible for that fear, I created it.

I wanted to save animals and people and give more that I had. I expected the best out of everyone and got a little bitter when I realized they weren't living up to my high expectations.."do unto me as I do unto you" I didn't realize how selfish that seemed at the time. I didn't think it was too much to ask to be kind and loving in the midst of chaos..that was the path I chose, why not everyone else? However I grew up and made changes, positive changes, I stopped expecting so much, and starting giving more, but my balance was off and I gave too much of myself. I just wanted nothing more than to fit in, be a part of everything that was shiny and cool.

I wanted to move mountains, become a marine biologist and join Green Peace to save and help sea life. My 12th grade teacher told me there was no way I could do it because he couldn't. I was sad, I believed him, but was never angry...just lacked ambition to follow through. Now I realize that I had resentment because I lived my life thinking that I couldn't be the best. And what a pity that I believed that garbage, but I've learned so many good things because of it. it was just a huge wake up call to realize how in control I truly am and how awesome and beautiful the world really is.

Love is a four letter word and is the most powerful emotion that ever will exist. It heals, provides, excites, is everlasting and never judges. Love in the state of harmony is true bliss. I've been to this place and it is my mission to return.

In 2010 God opened my life to a wonderful job, a beautiful man inside and out and a land of opportunity. I'm thankful and see the wonderful things that he does for others. He operates on a love frequency and it isn't full of five senses stuff..so I'm going to audit my life.

This is my resolution, to be the best Ruthie for myself. I am going to attempt to remove the temptation of the five senses from my mind for 2 weeks and log the improvements here. I will then track for 30 days after my trial testing to see my progress.

Eliminate on trial period:

Taste: allergic foods
Touch: negativity
Smell: I will remove smoking from my habits
Listen: gossip
See: non action when I see something I should/could do.

This blog is raw and real and is an attempt to dig out the fear and replace it all with mountains of love.

P.s. I have never been nor will I ever be negative but I want to test myself to see how I do.

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photography

So as of recently I have been inspired by art in photos. I am finding new and interesting ways to look at the world. I'll post some photos later.

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