Stardust breath

So, today is the day and I am excited. I'm not going to elaborate on what that is until after the fact because I don't like to jinx myself.
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Photography:

So, I am teaching myself how to use my D3100 Nikon camera, today I worked with the aperture function. I used Busterboo my yorkie, as my test subject. I noticed that when I had him against a light background (sliding glass door with offwhite linen drape & sun shining through) I needed to use higher aperture numbers to get a more beautiful shot.

When I had him in a dark setting (living room with no lights on and little light escaping from kitchen) I had to use lower aperture numbers to activate the flash and brighten the contrast of the photo. However, I noticed that this function is much harder because if the subject moves, you're kind of screwed.

Still playing around and will post more soon! :)

Time to go get ready to rumble. :D


I wish I may
I wish I might
Have this wish
I wish tonight.

From chaos to starlight

When I was 20 years old and 288 pounds I was diagnosed with a rare form of Syndrome X and Insulin Resistance which caused a spiral of problems including cervical cancer, which was removed and some lingering mental problems, due to lack of hormones to the brain which is caused by the syndrome and the prematurity of some areas in the brain. The doctor explained it to me and told me that my pituitary gland was non-responsive in providing the body the correct signals to send out the hormones such as estrogen; which regulates the female system, serotonin; which regulates the mental system, etc.
The doctor ran a 5 hour glucose test with interval injections of hormones and an MRI brain scan. When the results came back the lab told the Endocrinologist that he must have left the blood out too long because the results can't be correct. The normal human body's pancreas excretes about 150 mg of insulin to help break down food into energy; this insulin goes directly into the stomach. According to the blood results, my pancreas was excreting 30,000 mg of insulin, basically my pancreas was opening up like a floodgate and spilling insulin into my stomach whenever I ate sugar, bread, carbohydrates or anything that wasn't a protein. The doctor knew he didn't leave my blood out, and I knew that there was some truth in the tests because of how little I ate and how large I was and how sick I was all the time.

The doctor sent me to a dietician who told me that for the rest of my life I needed to eat protein and vegetables with fruit and breads used as a condiment. I didn't listen to the doctor until I was 25 years old which was when I started to throw up after every meal because my body started to reject the food I was eating.

As of currently I am very healthy and happy, over the last 10 years I have lost over 100 pounds and as of currently for the last week I have stayed on my protein diet and I feel pretty good about it. I have the support of my wonderful boyfriend who helps me to be a better person. He pushes me to do the right thing, and I love that about him.

I rarely told anyone the extent of my pain and haven't shared it with anyone really until now. I am documenting this so that it is a reminder for me to stay correct in my plan for myself and I will continue to document the starlight in my life because my eyes are finally opened and I am no longer selfishly injuring myself for the sake of the smell or taste of something. I have put my burdens in the hands of something much larger than me.

This is very personal, and I'm surprised I'm blogging it, but that is how you step out of your own silent box.

In the Wake of Recovery

Sometimes we find ourselves at a crossroads in life and we wonder what we can do to make the outcome a possibility or a sure thing. I have come to learn that you can only trust in one thing to help you through any turmoil or raw process and that is pure love. I know that my path in life is where it needs to be for right now and that I am in a transition to something magnificent, something beyond my dreams. I am saddened by those that choose to take their situations and look at them through rose colored glasses only to become jaded, distant, angry and bitter at themselves and those around them. This causes discontent and a disconnection from life. What are we for? Other than to be the best people that we can be. To make a difference. To not sit around and wait for things to happen to you, but to make them happen and to impact the world around you.

I can say that I have no regrets and that my future is brilliant no matter what comes my way. And I have faith and understanding in the process of my plan and that in itself is beautiful.

I pray that others find that in themselves so that they can experience what it is like to live within the center of peace.

Subliminal

I see you out of the corner of my eye, on papers and billboards, across t.v. screens and cell phones. I hear you through the mouthes of friends, peers, strangers. Yet I still wonder how you permeate the forefront of my mind. How do you get in there and wiggle your webs of indecency and scandal? You have caused much destruction and for that you must be cast into an titanium cup, sealed with golden dust and wrapped in iron silks. I will take you below the depths of the earth and set you in your dirt filled seat so that you may have the company of earthworms and crawling things. People take for granted and do things they shouldn't because of the deception that has been placed just out of sight, hearing and feeling. Just out of reach, but right there.

Subliminal messages fighting for their right host, planting their special seeds and screaming infidelities.

That's all for now, just creatively typing away. teehee

Parting Ways

So, about a month ago one of my best friends got mad at me for forgetting a date to something she was planning, I said something I shouldn't have which went kind of like, "text me when you're sober" and she flew off the handle (rightly so, however I was partially joking), deleted me from facebook and every site we were on together, called me a few choice names, etc. I apologized over and over in emails and poured my heart out to her because I truthfully was and still am sorry. I guess I'm leaving out the part where I returned the favor in email after she deleted me, and said very many mean things, things that might be unforgivable to some, but it is my defense mechanism when I feel like I am about to get hurt. I wasn't that far from the truth because she went and shared everything with people that I knew and these people deleted me, too. Took what she said for face value which was edited to the dramatic version she wanted to portray. I am a good friend, a great friend and I bend over backwards for everyone I know. I try so hard to stay positive and loving and the one mistake I make I am put in front of a jury for and they have already hung me without even hearing what I have to say. I am sorry for the words that came out of anger and it's too bad that she can't forgive me, because without forgiveness you are toxic and I guess I'm better off.

Judgement Day

So, I know that curiosity killed the cat, but why do people place judgement on others. Is it fear of the unknown? Is it because some people haven't experienced what another has, so they decide to place it in the X-Files of their mind only to hash it out later with uncertainties? It's not fair, and yes, I know, life isn't fair. In my opinion we are here to love, not just the word that carries across 4 letters and fills a space just to the left of the sternum inside of the chest. It is a brilliant emotion that is larger than life itself, a place of bliss where nothing can touch it, not even judgement. Inside this emotion negativity cannot exist, materialism cannot exist, anger cannot thrive, pity cannot swell. The only thing that co-exists within this emotion is the energy force. Also in my opinion, judgement is caused by another emotion that rivals love, and that is Fear. We fear day in and day out and in order to rid ourselves of the gnawing within our mind, we toss it like a ball over to someone else. I've seen it happen and it is disheartening.

What would life be like if we all inhabited real love? Bliss? Peace? Forgiveness? Can you imagine yourself forgiving someone right now? What does it feel like? Can you get past yourself for a moment so that you can put someone else above you, so that you can let them free from your mind and forgive them for the transgressions that they put on you? Can you take a step back and be present in this moment and notice the beauty that surrounds you. Look at the back of your hand, you are unique and magnificent and truly beautiful. There is only 1 of each of us, all different, all beautiful and all capable of love and loving.

I have spent my entire life focused on what love is, staring at the night sky for nights on end, talking to God, talking to myself, watching others and having my own experiences and I know for a fact that in order to free yourself of the web you have weaved, you need to change the thread, change the soundtrack in your mind, change the path you walk each day, it all starts with you. It all starts with loving you. That is when you can forgive others and feel bliss.

I promise tho, it is the most powerful and beautiful thing that I have ever experienced and it started with a mirror and 3 words, "I Love You." The rest is history.

My journey isn't complete, I still have hurdles and land mines that sit out in my fields, it is how I choose to encounter them that will provide my feet a place to walk. I expect nothing and give everything and love everyone and try my best to make the world a better place.

Judgement doesn't belong in my life, or yours. So my goal is to better others in any small way I can, to share the gift that I was given in hopes that it might be opened and passed on.

That's all for today. :)

Specialty Engraving

So, the time has come where my comfy place where I called home while away from home has ended and the owner has pulled the plug on our office. Towards the end it got sour for me and a lot less comfy, but I'll get to that later. I started at Specialty Engraving about a year and a half ago. When I started there, I had the feeling of relief, as if something had saved my life. I know that sounds a bit extreem, but I truly felt that way. I learned many things during my time there; how to become more personable, less frazzled, more open and more myself. I turned from being a scared of strangers person to someone who loved and loves human interaction. It's funny what you can learn from an experience, an instance.. a moment in time. As time went by I struggled with things and at the end found myself wanting something more. I was fulfilled, but left empty when it was all pulled away. I saw into the hungry souls of endless money and how it effected them and I truly didn't want to be that person. I am not expendable and for the first time I found out that someone else thought I was. I was angry and disturbed and the mind games at the end were humorous, but the most beautiful thing happened to me. That door closed and another one opened in its place; one that is better, filled with what I desire in life, closer to my common goals and what I really want. I'm thankful for the end as it brought me to the beginning.

That's all for now.